November 16th, 2009

longing

It's official

The divorce is final. It has apparently been so for over a week--November 6, to be precise. The communication of the legal professionals involved has been a bit lacking. Fortunately, that has not been the case between me and Lissa. I'm happy to report that our friendship continues as planned. We are very much still speaking to each other and doing things together. In fact, she came over to my place tonight and I cooked dinner. She has invited me over later in the week to return the favor. Neither of these is a first.

But I am now single for the first time in over 15 years and legally single for the first time in over 11. To a large extent, it's similar to when we got married. Papers were signed and status was changed...but it's not like anything in either of us was remarkably different in that moment. We were already down the path and the documents were simply an acknowledgment of it. Signing them didn't change how we felt about each other any more then than it does now.

The experience on this end for me has been bittersweet. The bitter part I think is mostly disappointment. This is certainly not the end that I would have written nor the end that I imagined. But on the other hand, it's not an end. Lissa and I continue as friends, which is the best part of anything we ever had together. With the relief that I am not losing that aspect of our relationship--of my life--this is just a transition into the next phase. At least we've moved on...moved past the road block we've been staring at for years. I'm not exactly sure what that phase is, but so far it certainly hasn't been all bad. In fact, I would say that it has been mostly good.

A lot of the pressure of how our married life was not working is now gone by virtue of simply no longer being an issue. With that out of the way, our relationship has actually improved in some ways. In the meantime, the intervening four months have been filled with opportunities for me to reconnect with old friends and make some new ones. In both cases, I've had fantastic experiences that I likely--or most assuredly--would not have had otherwise. I wouldn't trade these for anything.

Everything that has happened is a part of who I am. Not everything has worked out the way I planned or the way I may have wanted, but I wouldn't dare nor do I want to take anything back. I treasure too much to risk tampering with anything that has come before for fear of what would I would be missing as a result. For good or for ill, this is the journey I'm on, and I continue to learn to live with it and live for it every day.